The Ninth Circle

At the rate I'm going I'm gonna have a real angst complex. I feel really good about how I'm doing, really composed and such, then I hear one too many "I have plans, but maybe we'll talk later" or find myself a little too alone and...I just want to scream. Where have all my friends gone? Where has my social life been and what has it been up to these last three years? Am I just so...dull and a downer that I'm never good enough? What? What's wrong?
All right. Enough whining.
I suppose me listening to the same regalia of music over and over again doesn't help. Especially when one has the lyrics "tear me from the skin, tear me from the bone, are you feeling happy now" or something to that effect... But music aside, I'd like to think I'm finally gettting things quite in order. I've got my homework somewhat under control, (I need to crack down on my Japanese really hard this weekend) I act a lot more pleasant than I usually feel like, and I'm not ugly. Not that looks should judge how much people want to hang-out with other people. And yet...gah. I'm going to go on a tangent I regret, I know it.
I feel like I don't have any one specific "best friend" and it feels like everyone else has one, if not a few. I felt like Melis, Forelithe and I had a thing going...and then Forelithe got married and Melis went to England. And I haven't seen Melis in a long while, since May. Marriage can really take a chunk of time out of people's lives and well, I almost...feel like I lost whatever close connection I had to them. I'm trying to make closer connections to others of the group, L and T for example, but they're impossible to seperate and I fear that's a permanent thing. But it reallyis fun to hang out with both of them. I'm beginning to think I'll go crash over there for a bit, if only to not be alone.
Don't get me wrong, Uffish and E are great. Stupendous. There's always the little things that get on my nerves, but that happens with everyone. I'm having a malfunction of doing kitchen things properly - putting away my dishes being part of it. And I'm still terrible at it, even after I've realized that I'm slacking. But it feels like...they've already got their thing. Or Uffish has her huge group of comrades and is all super chipper and happy and...practically bouncing off the walls. And I feel like I'm this little gloomy corner over here.
I know I need to perserve and have faith and all that, but frankly: perservering sucks. Making plans to change stinks, working out the details is tedious and the execution? Oh dear. Nigh impossible. Well, impossible to keep up at. I'm too deep into the pit o'procrastination to simply step out. No, this will take that impossibly long rope and a whole rescue crew to extract me. Or at least someone bapping me on the head and forcing me to see that I'm just sulking in my puddle of woes.
Methinks I like that image. Someday, when I gain the skill to draw...I mayhap draw that. Might release some of my angst.
And relationships with the opposite sex, oh my. I'm still so confused and worked up about them. And I haven't had a boyfriend in...well, since summer before Freshman year. It's been a bit. And every boy I've liked here at the Y has either gotten a girlfriend after he went on a date with me (pretty much always me asking) and then there's the one I went on a date with because I'm too nice and I was focusing the whole time on having no physical contact. Not a good thing for continuing the relationship. But I've had my share of roommates who have had boyfriends constantly calling, fiances hanging about, or guys calling for dates. Or stopping by, too. And so, it feels like I'm the only one missing out. Not to mention this sudden surge of relationships in my own family. My younger older brother got married in April and now my older older brother is engaged. The date is set for January 4th. Whoo. Just me and my older sister left. And I have my stupid tendency to make something out nothing. Gah, that only makes things ten times worse. "He smiled at me! Oh! Oh! He talks to me some! That must mean he likes me!" *Whap* "Wake up! Stupid! He talks to you as much as any other girl!"
So I can see why I'm constantly reminded of this terrible "You-must-date-and-if-you're-not-
married-by-the-time-you're-twenty-one-you're-an-old-maid" thought process, but...I would also like to put some blame on the Bubble. Yes, that cursed and blessed sphere, Provo.
There's so much pressure on dating. So many inside jokes about them. So much...gah. Dilemma galore. And I'm tired of it. One of my old ward directories was called "The Menu". No joke. We girls were called "Appetizers" or summat. It's just so prevailing and suffocating. It's amazing anyone makes it out of here without some kind of phobia. Or perhaps I'm just too easily high strung about this stuff.
I dunno. This whole thing had a real purpose to it, even if it was just me letting out some angst and letting these words pour out of my head. I just hope I accomplished a portion of it. Gah. I still have laundry to do. I loathe laundry...
Hope you got your laughs, or can smile and go "Hey, my life doesn't suck so much". Glad to be of assistance, I am. Always here for amusement. I'll grin on the outside, even if I'm roaring to rip out someone's throat on the inside.

Matsugi