And Life Trundles On

Hm. Nothing of true importance to report, just the usual happiness and busy-ness.

Yesterday we gave back the student papers in my TA class and recieved new ones in kind. I know what I'll be doing for Thanksgiving. There are four bonuses. (Which will likely turn into more, who knows?) Two of the said papers are creative and thus much more fun to read/grade. And a third is another art piece by this great girl in the class. The first was calligraphy, the second is this collection of drawings and quotes. Perdyyyyy. The fourth? Risk: Peloponnessian War style. Rock. Rock on.

For Thanksgiving I'm going to my brother's in-law's cabin in Park City. Never been there, but I will soon. Woot? So I'll be grading, playing Risk, playing Harry Potter Scene It (which I hear is way easy), cramming in Japanese, eating turkey, and...enjoying having no immediate homework. But I will still die...gaaaaah.....

And I won't be able to see Flops. Hm. It was odd, I haven't had a distinct feeling of missing him yet. Sure, I've gone pretty long periods of time without seeing him (in Provo standards, I suppose), but last night was likely the one that affected me the most...

Y'see, I went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter. The Goblet of Fire one. And generally I have a blast going to such shindigs, but this time around...not as much. The people were fun, but I only knew two of them previously. And one was wrapped up with her numerous friends (there were...14 of us total?) and the other took a nap for part of it, or was distracted in one way or another. But we did have some good chats about guys and relationships and not feeling old enough and other randomness. Plus how we'll likely go to Japan Study Abroad together. Much happiness there.

But there I was, sitting on that cold floor and waiting for 10:30 to come so they would seat us in the theatre, and well...I just felt lonely. There were people all over, plenty of them. And yet I felt lonely. And it took me a moment to pinpoint it, but I think the cold floor, tiredness, old insecurities, and not-knowing-many-people came into play and made it more poignant. Plus the fact that I only got to see Flops from like....5:20 to 6:35ish. That's not long, my friends. Not long at all. (I won't be able to see him until after 5 today...le sigh.) So I didn't mope, persay...but I missed him. And wondered why in the world I'd gone to this crazy mess and wasn't at home doing homework and/or snuggling with him. Really? Why? American Fork is not the destination of my dreams. And while the movie was good, the environment was generally good (discounting my slight mopiness) I well....I would've been fine without. Or it would have been much more fun with Flops.

What does this mean? Am I getting so attached that this could be getting really...serious? (Please take this as a girl working out her feelings, Flops. You're great and you know that.) Yes, I'm twenty and girls have been younger than me (well, wait, I have a friend four months older and married and pregnant---awesome, but very freaky) but I still...wow. A relationship this great and having it get serious sorta...makes me wonder. And then I get anxious. Realize I'm getting anxious over non-important matters and start to berate myself. Realize I need to stop berating myself over something so silly/stupid and try to snap out of that. And the cycle wobbles around and gets confusing and I just get agitated and grumpy and tired. And then I realize that my Japanese homework is still simmering beneath my fingers.

But on a happier note...I had my interview for Study Abroad today. W-Sensei is awesome, had him way back in....201 or summat, I think. And he remembered me. But he seems to think I'm all right. Only one things possibly limits my chances of going... generally they take 10-12 people. They have 15-16 applicants...and might not be able to get enough homes for us to stay at. Oh dear. You must remember, Japan has small houses. Cramped space+extra guest=not so good. But I'm hopeful...especially since those with Japanese majors and minors have priority. And hey, that's me!

Agh. Hungry. Planning on Gandolfo's later with Uffish and Flops (I figured you'd be okay with this idea). Have TA movie which makes viewers hungry/thirsty at 3. Ugh. Too much to do this weekend. Like normal. Should be tired. Running on so little sleep and yet...still perky. Is it....four hours? Hm, maybe 4 1/2...since I slept in a bit.

Signing out --

Matsugi

Journals & Evil Wal-Mart

Last night was good. Indeed. Though I gave into the urge and made a Wal-Mart run. Evil place, it is. But I got what I needed (and didn't really need).

Needed item(s):
Patches for jeans - just small holes and I still love the jeans to bits...
Time away from home

Not-so-needed-item(s):
Cheap DVD Movies - I haven't gotten any in a long while. So I gave in and got Godzilla, Short Circuit and Spy Game. Only to find out Spy Game was R...huh. And we saw it in theatres as a family. *pause* Creeepy. But I still loves it, I think...perhaps I'll sell it back at the movie exchange place up by the mall. Dunno yet.

Flops finished reading my journal and gave it back to me two days ago. But I didn't hear much commentary about it until last night. And it involved lots of hugs and a very very cute moleskine entry. All those issues I had about self-esteem and testimony and random ugliness? He understood and forgave (not so much forgave, really. Just didn't hold it against me) and even could relate to. And respects me even more for it. And even as he keeps on praising me and saying he never wants to hurt me...I don't feel like I deserve it. I mean...shoot. I guess I still have that blasted self-esteem problem.

And NO I'm not looking for pity. I'm tired of pity. From others and myself. I should be to the stage where I pick myself up and move on. It's just following through and continuing to get up that's the issue, methinks.

Wow. That came off a lot more defensive than I meant it to be...but I don't really feel like softening it. I suppose I like blogs where they just write what they feel, right then. I love the blogs where they have thought things through and express their feelings with pretty concise words, but there's also a special spark, a certain something to blogs where you can see the person working through their problems...figuring them out and coming out stronger.

And I start tearing up again. Great. I really am a crybaby. At least I can keep it in before it starts to go down the cheeks. Geez, perhaps re-reading my old journal was a bad idea... It's easy to remember where I was, how I felt, even how I just...despaired. Fumbled around and felt miserable and wanted to hate the world, but still saw so much good in it.

...and here I was hoping for another happy entry.

But in happier news, as long as I crack down like mad on my Japanese I should be able to pass. Oh please, please let me pass! I'm lightening my load considerably next semester. Only 13 credits and man, it looks so nice. It'll be good to have a little breathing time. Just time to enjoy life instead of realize that I'm procrastinating to keep my sanity and instead just making things worse for myself. Which would be what I did most of this week. And the week before. And the week before that.

Wow. It's been three weeks since I started going out with Flops...dang, it's been a good month indeed.

And with that, I think I should probably sign off. I've rambled, complained, moped, and been irritable enough.

Have a happy Sunday! I will, don't worry about that. Although it's going to be a hungry Sunday...but that makes me stronger, right? *stomach growls* Right.

-Matsugi

Short, but Sweet

Today has been relatively calm. This is nice.

Aside from the fact that I woke up on the couch this morning. But at least it was planned this time. (There have been plenty of times where it was unintentional...) No, I dumped my clean sheets and clothes on my bed, then got home late enough that my roomie was asleep. And my floor constantly has bits of hair, etc on it and well...I didn't feel like pushing all that stuff off to just climb onto my unmade bed (in the basement, no less) and sleep with a solitary blanket. So I took the couch. Uffish was on the loveseat and we had a lovely sleep.

I actually did some Japanese homework today. Go me! And even though I see a lot more looming ahead of me, at least I did *some*. Right? And BeBe suggested a great song to me....*is now listening for the twentieth time in a row or more* so that makes life fun.

Flops stopped by for a little bit, and I hope to see him sometime later tonight. Well. That could be him now...oh. It is. Huh. There went me posting much.

Signing off for now...not that I really mind.

-Matsugi