Journals & Evil Wal-Mart

Last night was good. Indeed. Though I gave into the urge and made a Wal-Mart run. Evil place, it is. But I got what I needed (and didn't really need).

Needed item(s):
Patches for jeans - just small holes and I still love the jeans to bits...
Time away from home

Not-so-needed-item(s):
Cheap DVD Movies - I haven't gotten any in a long while. So I gave in and got Godzilla, Short Circuit and Spy Game. Only to find out Spy Game was R...huh. And we saw it in theatres as a family. *pause* Creeepy. But I still loves it, I think...perhaps I'll sell it back at the movie exchange place up by the mall. Dunno yet.

Flops finished reading my journal and gave it back to me two days ago. But I didn't hear much commentary about it until last night. And it involved lots of hugs and a very very cute moleskine entry. All those issues I had about self-esteem and testimony and random ugliness? He understood and forgave (not so much forgave, really. Just didn't hold it against me) and even could relate to. And respects me even more for it. And even as he keeps on praising me and saying he never wants to hurt me...I don't feel like I deserve it. I mean...shoot. I guess I still have that blasted self-esteem problem.

And NO I'm not looking for pity. I'm tired of pity. From others and myself. I should be to the stage where I pick myself up and move on. It's just following through and continuing to get up that's the issue, methinks.

Wow. That came off a lot more defensive than I meant it to be...but I don't really feel like softening it. I suppose I like blogs where they just write what they feel, right then. I love the blogs where they have thought things through and express their feelings with pretty concise words, but there's also a special spark, a certain something to blogs where you can see the person working through their problems...figuring them out and coming out stronger.

And I start tearing up again. Great. I really am a crybaby. At least I can keep it in before it starts to go down the cheeks. Geez, perhaps re-reading my old journal was a bad idea... It's easy to remember where I was, how I felt, even how I just...despaired. Fumbled around and felt miserable and wanted to hate the world, but still saw so much good in it.

...and here I was hoping for another happy entry.

But in happier news, as long as I crack down like mad on my Japanese I should be able to pass. Oh please, please let me pass! I'm lightening my load considerably next semester. Only 13 credits and man, it looks so nice. It'll be good to have a little breathing time. Just time to enjoy life instead of realize that I'm procrastinating to keep my sanity and instead just making things worse for myself. Which would be what I did most of this week. And the week before. And the week before that.

Wow. It's been three weeks since I started going out with Flops...dang, it's been a good month indeed.

And with that, I think I should probably sign off. I've rambled, complained, moped, and been irritable enough.

Have a happy Sunday! I will, don't worry about that. Although it's going to be a hungry Sunday...but that makes me stronger, right? *stomach growls* Right.

-Matsugi